just another statistic

i never imagined i would be just another statistic. another teen smoker. another young mother. another divorcee. another alcoholic. another girl with a disorder. another victim of depression.

life has been absolute insanity the past month and a half. i feel like ive grown up more in those few weeks than i have in my whole life. i have my moments of strength and then i have my moments of weakness. i always thought that crying was being weak. but the other day i said to my mom to help her out with what she was dealing with, "crying isnt weakness, its strength in surrendering control knowing that you cant change someone else." sometimes crying is the strongest thing we can do. with all of the things we try to control on a day to day basis we lose sight of the fact that we arent truly in control. we can decide to go one way or the other but both outcomes are unknown. we have no idea what the next day or years will bring. all we can do is make a choice and surrender to where it will take us. for me surrender and patience are not my strengths. i am always rushing into the next stage of life before the bad feelings or the disappointment can catch up with me. i try to control everything around me. i control what i eat i control what i drink i control how much i smoke. but honestly... those things control me.. i feel powerless to them. its like a nervous tick i cant control which makes me try to control it more. all of this sounds so insane writing it out and looking at it but its true. in my relationship with danny i tried to control the outcome of being ineviably hurt. so i hurt him. did he hurt me? yes. more than i can describe. but i hurt him just as bad. and its my fault because i tried to force it into the direction i thought it would end in. did i see it at the time? no if i did im mentally effed up and a really mean person. but im not a mean person. im human. im flawed. im a statistic. everyone is just another statistic. we all have those things that get drawn into a little group. thats what we do to each other all the time anyway. we judge and put people into a little box of what we think of them. we call them names behind their back. and we do it without always knowing thats what we're doing.

i keep thinking.. what do i do now? i havent been single for 4 years. and dating was a hell of a lot different then.. in high school its like "oh you're cute lets date". and especially since im a mom its way diffent than anything my peers are getting into. why i keep thinking of the "someone" i want to be with doesnt make any sense to me at all. i know i dont want a relationship right now. i know that i want to put all my time and energy into work and into kinsey. but im still human and even though i dont act like one all the time im still a girl.. i dont wanna be alone. i want to have someone there that knows me in every possible way. for example there is this guy that i have known for a very long time. i was drawn to him when i met him because of his i dgaf personality. i saw him as this guy i would give anything to date. and back in the day i gave him more than enough of me. and because i was young i got hurt. i got hurt bad, and it wasnt his fault. he made it clear what was going on but being 18 you think you can change anyone's mind. well i saw him last week, and damn he looked good. and he still has that attitude that attracted me to him. and we had fun catching up and talking and being young. about half way through the evening i realized that i will never be the girl he dates. and thats ok. i put myself out there like one of the guys and thats what i am. thats cool.. i love being one of the guys. but i think a part of me will always be a little bummed when he's with someone else. gah being a girl is annoying. and then there is one of my old best friends who i met with and had coffee with the other night. it was amazing how it felt like there had been no time seperating us. it just clicked. and again he was someone i drooled over back in the day but i was always his friend. and he was my best friend. i am so thankful to have him back in my life i cant even put it into words. he is one of the most amazing guys i have ever known. just thinking about him makes me smile. he's just that kind of guy.

now why the hell im rambling about these guys has made no sense up until this point but here's the deal. i have always made the first move. with the first guy i talked about i said everything he wanted to hear back in the day and i made it happen. with the second guy i was very open about how i felt about him. and yesterday it hit me. i have never let anything happen without me taking the lead in a relationship. why? idk cause im retarded? no cause i like being in charge.. i really need to work on that. so my goal is to just be me and let a guy make the first move. this is gonna kill me i can tell already. fudge.

ok so yeah this has been another random rambling by me.. your awesome if you actually read all of my non-sense lol

xoxo
rae

good angry song...

and no this is not for you its just a good song.



"Circle The Drain"

This is the last time you say,
After the last line you break,
It's not even a holiday,
Nothing to celebrate.
You give a hundred reasons why,
And you say you're really gonna try.
If I had a nickel for everytime,
I'd own the bank.

Thought that I was the exception,
I could have rewrite your addiction,
You could've been the greatest,
But you'd rather get wasted.

You fall asleep during foreplay,
'Cause the pills you take, are more your forte.
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down.
Wanna be your lover, not your fucking' mother.
Can't be your savior, I don't have the power.
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain.

You say you have to write your rhymes,
Whatever helps you sleep at night
You've become what you despise,
A stereotype
You think you're so rock and roll,
But you're really just a joke.
Had the world in the palm of your hands,
But you fucking choked
Should've been my team mate,
Could've changed your fate,
You say that you love me,
You won't remember in the morning.

You fall asleep during foreplay,
'Cause the pills you take, are more your forte.
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down.
Wanna be your lover, not your fucking mother.
Can't be your savior, I don't have the power.
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain.

You fall asleep during foreplay,
'Cause the pills you take, are more your forte.
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down.
Wanna be your lover, not your fucking mother.
Can't be your savior, I don't have the power.
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain.
Watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain.
You fall asleep during foreplay,
'Cause the pills you take, are more your forte.
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down.

how do i put this nicely...

ok so first i would like to say any of you males that read this, if you think its about you, stop being so full of yourself its about everyone and no one guy by themselves.

now that thats out of the way, i want to vent for a little. why do guys, not all guys but some guys, think that its perfectly acceptable to be a complete and total man whore using the excuse of being a "guy", but if a girl wants to go out and date around she's a b*tch and a wh**e? excuse me but what decade do we live in. girls are a force to be delt with and we know what we want, ok fine not all of us but some of us, and we will do what it takes to get there. stop making us feel inferior because of our gender. if it werent for us you wouldnt be alive today. if it were up to males to carry children there wouldnt be very many. face it, we are strong even when you think we're being babies. we just cant control our tear ducts sometimes.

i cant think of one girl who hasnt been in a horrible relationship in one way or another. and they all have picked themselves back up and moved on with grace and dignity. not saying guys turn into complete fools when a relationship goes bad but from what i've seen in my short 22 years is guys react in one of two ways. become a jerk and say screw everything, which they usually do, or they plot a way to get her back.. even after years and years and years. us girls we cry, get it out and move the hell on, ok yeah fine again not all of us do sometimes we get hung up on guys, but take it as a compliment it means you meant alot to us.

being somewhat back in the single world is weird. its alot different than high school was. the guys are still clueless as ever but my mindset has changed so much. the way i veiw dating has done a 180 in terms of how i will eventually approach it. long gone is the silly 18 year old girl who was like "omg your cute lets date cause i like you". please even thinking about that makes me slightly sick.

anyway im off to coffee..

xoxo
rae

Home

The tree's, the rain, the mountains, the beautiful pacific northwest will always be home to me. I've lived in Arizona for more than half my life but nothing in this dry wasteland makes me feel at home the way Washington does. I miss my family. My grandparents aunts uncles and cousins. Being away from them sucks so bad. Everytime I go to visit I feel like more of me belongs there. But unfortunately I don't see being able to move back in the near future. If there was nothing holding me back I would leave tomorrow. I could never do that to my mom and my best friends though. They are what make az tolerable. I have met so many amaIng people here. Friends that I wouldn't trade for anything. They are what make Arizona home.


Ok I'm done being emospastic now. Time for this girl to get some sleep. I'm too old to run on 3 hours anymore.


Xoxo
Rae

feeling so old..

But really my life is just beginning..


It's funny looking back on all the things I've done, seen and been through and realizing that this is just the jumping off point of my life. Starting new and fresh in my job and in my love life. It's bittersweet and beautiful. There really isn't one word to describe how I feel about my life right now. Any thought or feeling you can imagine I've felt in the past week. All I know is my life is full of fantastic friends and amazing opportunities. Knowing where I've been and seeing who I am now I'm happy.. Truly genuinely happy. I'm not the same girl that graduated 4 years ago. I'm stronger. I know exactly what I want out of life and I'm gonna get it if it kills me. Not going to college has always bothered me. I can't regret not going though because I wouldn't have my kinz and who knows who or what I would be or do. All I know is that I deserve the life I want. Not because I've made all the right choices or because I'm some amazing person, no it's because I'm me and everyone deserves the life they dream of. No matter how old you are or how many steps you've taken backwards it's never too late to pick yourself up and move forward. Sure my dreams have changed in the past few years but that's ok.. Some dreams need to change. When I was younger I never pictured my perfect wedding or how much I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be independent and successful. Now that I am a mom it's the most rewarding part of my life, but now that I have my freedom I can still be as successful as I want to be. Never again will I sacrifice who I am or what I want for a relationship. Anyone who comes into my life has to absolutely love and respect that about me. I have never felt so fulfilled as I do when I am warming and being good at what I do. There is no feeling in the world I can compare it to. Dies that make me crazy or selfish? No it makes me who I am. Quite frankly I'm done apologizing for who I am. I am dramatic and unpredictable and a huge nerd.. And for the first time ever I have never been so proud of me. It's crazy to me to think of all the girls out there that throw themselves into relationships and view their signifficant others desires and dreams ahead of there own. Stop! Seriously it's not attractive and you come off as being clingy.. Trust me I know I used to be there.. I wish I could make girls.. My friends and girls I don't even know.. Understand that being confident and powerful as a woman is so much better than being a plaything.. Sure it's fun being intimate and close with someone but know who you are and who they are before jumping into "boyfriend" "girlfriend" status. Have fun be young.. Don't take things seriously.. Learn what you like and what you don't like what you want and what you'll tolerate and stand by that.. Don't be a girl about it and settle.. And guys.. Stop being so damn cryptic all the time.. Be honest it's so much easier that way..

So yeah again I find myself rambling about whatever pops into my head but who cares.. I'm not writing on this thing for people I'm writing fir me.. And honestly that's all that matters..

Xoxo
Rae

im not the one..

I heard this song for the first time the other day and I love it.





You're way too young to be broken
You're way too young to fall apart
You're way too young to play these games
But you better start
But you better start

This is when it starts
From the beating of your heart to the street lamps talk to you
Jumping off of the edge or asleep in your head
Everything's turning dark to you
I went to pick the up the parts
The doctors hiding the charts
He won't let me see this side of you
It's on the tip of my tongue You know you're way too young to have someone lie to you

I'm not the one
I'm not the one who wants to hurt you
I'm not the one
I'm not the one who wants to hurt you
You better find somebody else to get a hold of yourself
I'm not the one
I'm not the one who wants to hurt you

You're way too young to be broken
You're way too young to fall apart
You're way too young to play these games
But you better start
But you better start

It was the second I lit
Your first cigarette
I forget who you used to be
And I bit my lip
The second you sipped, the poison that was mixed for me

I'm not the one
I'm not the one who wants to hurt you
I'm not the one
I'm not the one who wants to hurt you
You better find somebody else to get a hold of yourself
I'm not the one
I'm not the one who wants to hurt you

Drink the poison lightly
Cuz' there are deeper and darker things than you
I know, cuz' I've been there too
I know it might seem frightening
To have the world fall apart right under your shoes
Trust me, you'll make it through

I'm not the one
I'm not the one who wants to hurt you
I'm not the one
I'm not the one who wants to hurt you
You better find somebody else to get a hold of yourself
I'm not the one
I'm not the one who wants to hurt you

I'm not the one one, I'm not the one who wants to hurt you

defeated.

sometimes i feel so defeated. today is one of those days.

you would think that a grandparent would be the person you could go to and share life with and have them try to comfort you. not the case with my paternal grandfather. it doesnt even feel right calling him a grandparent. especially since my grandma and my grandpa are worlds different from him. my grandma's husband, Bob, is one of the most caring individuals i've ever met and even though we have had our fights i know no matter what he would move heaven and earth to help me. Jim on the other hand is one of the worst people i have ever had the "honor" of knowing. he is heartless asshole and most days i could care less if he was alive or dead. i know that sounds horrible but if you knew him and knew the things he has said to me you would understand. last year when i went up to WA to visit family i saw him. he didnt say anything to me not even hi even though i said hi to him. instead when Bob asked him if he remembered me he said "yeah, rachel used to be skinny". ok yeah i've gained weight and i know im not anywhere close to where i used to be. but no grandparent should ever say anything like that to or around their grandchildren. then about 6 months ago i called asking if he could send some money to me and danny since we were having a really hard time paying our bills. instead of calling me back he called my dad to make sure i didnt want it for drugs. now with everything in my life being turned upside down and needing to get a car but not having any money for a down payment or good enough credit, i mustered up my courage and called him. i called a few times and never got a response or an answer so i got worried. worring about Jim is something i dont often do seeing as how i dont care for the man very much but i was worried. so i called my aunt and had her call the place he's living to see if he was ok. she called back and said he was fine and headed to his room. so i called again. still no answer. i called my dad and asked him to call and he left a message. about 30 min later my dad called me back and said that my grandpa said he wont give me any money and when my dad asked why he said that their was a ruckus cause i was asking if he was ok. so my dad said you'll call and tel rachel right. his simple response, no.

i know i shouldnt care. i know it shouldnt matter cause he's never been there for me but it hurts. it hurts really bad. i thought, i hoped that maybe just maybe he would try or attempt to make an effort to be in my life. but no. he doesnt care. he's a selfish fucking bastard who cares for himself only. i want to call him and scream every curse word in the world at him. but it wouldnt change anything. it wouldnt make the feeling of hurt go away. it wouldnt make him care.

i need a strong drink and a bubble bath.. and someone to snuggle with.. but seeing as i cant drink and i turn into a mermaid zombie everytime im in water ill have to settle for man handling my dog into cuddling with me after kinsey has to go to bed.

life is totally biting my ass right now.. and my butt is starting to look like chopped liver..

thnks fr th mmrs

I'm gonna make it bend and break
(It sent you to me without wait)
Say a prayer, but let the good times roll
In case God doesn't show...
(Let the good times roll)
(Let the good times roll)


And I want these words to make things right
But it's the wrongs that make the words come to life,
"Who does he think he is?"
If that's the worst you got
Better put your fingers back to the keys


One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great;
"He tastes like you, only sweeter"!
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories;
"See, he tastes like you only sweeter"!
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh


Been looking forward to the future
But my eyesight is going bad
And this crystal ball
It's always cloudy except for
(Except for)
When you look into the past
(Look into the past)
One night stand...
(One night stand, oh)


One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great;
"He tastes like you only sweeter"!
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories;
"See, he tastes like you only sweeter"!
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh


They say
I only think in the form of crunching numbers
In hotel rooms collecting page-six lovers
Get me out of my mind
And get you out of those clothes
I'm a liner away
From getting you into the mood
Whoa


One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great;
"He tastes like you but sweeter"!
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories;
"See, he tastes like you only sweeter"!


One night and one more time (One more night, one more time)
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great;
"He tastes like you but sweeter"!
One night, yeah, and one more time (One more night, one more time)
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories; (For the memories)
"See, he tastes like you only sweeter"!

Snuggle Sunday

Today was fantastic. Me and Kinz spent the whole morning snuggling. It was so nice to be able to relax and enjoy the little moments with her especially since Danny will have her for the next two and a half days. The little things that she does like pinch my face or giggle while trying to pick my nose always remind me to celebrate the small things in life.

Have an amazing Sunday everyone.

Xoxo
Rae

The innocence of a child

As most of you now know me and Danny are separated. In the past 4 years we have shared so much of life with each othe the good and the bad. The best thing about us is kinsey. She is the light in my darkness and the reason I strive to be better each and everyday. With everything going on she has been stronger than I could've ever hoped for. When I think about everything she could be thinking or feeling it breaks my heart more than it's already breaking not having my best friend with me everyday. Nothing in life prepares you for moments like this. No one can explain to you how confusing every thought is.

Tonight she gave me the most amazing gift a child can give their parent. I was standing in the kitchen talking to my mom and started crying. Usually she giggles when people cry cause we've always made a game of it. This time she knew it was different. She looked at me with concern in her eyes and reached up to me so I leaned down and she simply gave me a hug. I can't put into words how that small hug made me feel. It was like a huge weight lifted off my chest. I could hear the thought in her head through that hug. "Mommy it's gonna be ok."

And she's right it will be ok. Right now everything feels broken but I know it will be ok. Knowing that keeps me going, keeps me from breaking down. How is it that children know so much and understand so much and with more trust than we adults could ever hope for. It's that innocence I miss. Before the world made everything so messy.

Ok that's it for now my brain is too full to put anything into understandable sentences. I will post again soon..

Xoxo
Rae

things no one likes to talk about...

Why is it that when it comes to emotional and mental issues no one can talk about it. Is it so bizzare or so scary that people cant handle it or is it the fact that the majority of us have some sort of depression or anxiety and we dont like facing our own faults.

A month ago I chose to get help for my severe anxiety and depression. I have been putting it off for the past 4 years because I was ashamed of my problem. So for all that time I learned how to ignore the constant body aches, the lack of motivation to even get out of bed each day, and the constant memory loss because I couldnt escape the fog I was in. In the past month I have had more clarity and more motivation than I can ever remember having. Looking back now I wish I hadnt been so terrified of what people would think or how they would treat me, because frankly it doesnt matter what anyone else says or does. For the first time in a long time I feel like I'm apart of society. I can focus more, laugh more, and truly embrace and remember each precious moment with my baby.

The downside to all of this is having to relive all of my painful past and confront it and deal with it in order to truly get past it. Without going into detail, let me tell you, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Living every bad choice, everything someone said about me or to me that affected me, every horrible moment. But I know that I will get through it. I know that I will make it out as a better person and as a better mother.

I encourage anyone with any type of depression to stop hiding from your feelings, because you cant. They longer you ignore them the stronger it grows.

xoxo
rae

If life were easy

Then who would truly enjoy it?

If you take the time to really think about it life is about the mistakes we make and the lessons we learn from it. Growing into adulthood and becoming the person you will be for the rest of your life is the greatest task and the most rewarding we will ever take on. Marriage, children, and even some cases divorce are all things that come along with all of our journey's. Some of these are surprises and some are planned but regardless of how we come into them or out of them we are forever changed. Once upon a time I told my mom, "life isn't fair", to which she replied " no it's not". Life was never meant to be fair or easy. For most of us it's an everyday struggle to make it to the ultimate "someday". Someday I'll be rich, someday I'll be happy, someday I'll have it all figured out. "Someday" will never arrive. Instead of wishing and waiting for the unattainable someday we have to embrace where we are and where we have been. All those little bumps in the road, all those things that forever changed us, all those things that made is question our reason for being are all relevant and worthy of thanks, because without those things we would be stagnant. I don't want to have a complacent life. Instead I dream of a life with more speed bumps hurdling me straight into my future. A future filled with surprises and the many wonderful, and not so wonderful things I will have the pleasure to experience. As a young woman at the very start of my life I am choosing to brace every possibility and challenge I will need to face. Coming to terms with it is not easy, for the most part it's terrifying, but I know that in the end it will all be worth every tear, every laugh, every success and every failure.

I challenge you, whoever may read this to take a good hard look at the things you've been through and the things you are currently facing and instead of questioning and wishing choose to embrace every moment.

Xoxo
Rae