defeated.

sometimes i feel so defeated. today is one of those days.

you would think that a grandparent would be the person you could go to and share life with and have them try to comfort you. not the case with my paternal grandfather. it doesnt even feel right calling him a grandparent. especially since my grandma and my grandpa are worlds different from him. my grandma's husband, Bob, is one of the most caring individuals i've ever met and even though we have had our fights i know no matter what he would move heaven and earth to help me. Jim on the other hand is one of the worst people i have ever had the "honor" of knowing. he is heartless asshole and most days i could care less if he was alive or dead. i know that sounds horrible but if you knew him and knew the things he has said to me you would understand. last year when i went up to WA to visit family i saw him. he didnt say anything to me not even hi even though i said hi to him. instead when Bob asked him if he remembered me he said "yeah, rachel used to be skinny". ok yeah i've gained weight and i know im not anywhere close to where i used to be. but no grandparent should ever say anything like that to or around their grandchildren. then about 6 months ago i called asking if he could send some money to me and danny since we were having a really hard time paying our bills. instead of calling me back he called my dad to make sure i didnt want it for drugs. now with everything in my life being turned upside down and needing to get a car but not having any money for a down payment or good enough credit, i mustered up my courage and called him. i called a few times and never got a response or an answer so i got worried. worring about Jim is something i dont often do seeing as how i dont care for the man very much but i was worried. so i called my aunt and had her call the place he's living to see if he was ok. she called back and said he was fine and headed to his room. so i called again. still no answer. i called my dad and asked him to call and he left a message. about 30 min later my dad called me back and said that my grandpa said he wont give me any money and when my dad asked why he said that their was a ruckus cause i was asking if he was ok. so my dad said you'll call and tel rachel right. his simple response, no.

i know i shouldnt care. i know it shouldnt matter cause he's never been there for me but it hurts. it hurts really bad. i thought, i hoped that maybe just maybe he would try or attempt to make an effort to be in my life. but no. he doesnt care. he's a selfish fucking bastard who cares for himself only. i want to call him and scream every curse word in the world at him. but it wouldnt change anything. it wouldnt make the feeling of hurt go away. it wouldnt make him care.

i need a strong drink and a bubble bath.. and someone to snuggle with.. but seeing as i cant drink and i turn into a mermaid zombie everytime im in water ill have to settle for man handling my dog into cuddling with me after kinsey has to go to bed.

life is totally biting my ass right now.. and my butt is starting to look like chopped liver..