defeated.

sometimes i feel so defeated. today is one of those days.

you would think that a grandparent would be the person you could go to and share life with and have them try to comfort you. not the case with my paternal grandfather. it doesnt even feel right calling him a grandparent. especially since my grandma and my grandpa are worlds different from him. my grandma's husband, Bob, is one of the most caring individuals i've ever met and even though we have had our fights i know no matter what he would move heaven and earth to help me. Jim on the other hand is one of the worst people i have ever had the "honor" of knowing. he is heartless asshole and most days i could care less if he was alive or dead. i know that sounds horrible but if you knew him and knew the things he has said to me you would understand. last year when i went up to WA to visit family i saw him. he didnt say anything to me not even hi even though i said hi to him. instead when Bob asked him if he remembered me he said "yeah, rachel used to be skinny". ok yeah i've gained weight and i know im not anywhere close to where i used to be. but no grandparent should ever say anything like that to or around their grandchildren. then about 6 months ago i called asking if he could send some money to me and danny since we were having a really hard time paying our bills. instead of calling me back he called my dad to make sure i didnt want it for drugs. now with everything in my life being turned upside down and needing to get a car but not having any money for a down payment or good enough credit, i mustered up my courage and called him. i called a few times and never got a response or an answer so i got worried. worring about Jim is something i dont often do seeing as how i dont care for the man very much but i was worried. so i called my aunt and had her call the place he's living to see if he was ok. she called back and said he was fine and headed to his room. so i called again. still no answer. i called my dad and asked him to call and he left a message. about 30 min later my dad called me back and said that my grandpa said he wont give me any money and when my dad asked why he said that their was a ruckus cause i was asking if he was ok. so my dad said you'll call and tel rachel right. his simple response, no.

i know i shouldnt care. i know it shouldnt matter cause he's never been there for me but it hurts. it hurts really bad. i thought, i hoped that maybe just maybe he would try or attempt to make an effort to be in my life. but no. he doesnt care. he's a selfish fucking bastard who cares for himself only. i want to call him and scream every curse word in the world at him. but it wouldnt change anything. it wouldnt make the feeling of hurt go away. it wouldnt make him care.

i need a strong drink and a bubble bath.. and someone to snuggle with.. but seeing as i cant drink and i turn into a mermaid zombie everytime im in water ill have to settle for man handling my dog into cuddling with me after kinsey has to go to bed.

life is totally biting my ass right now.. and my butt is starting to look like chopped liver..

thnks fr th mmrs

I'm gonna make it bend and break
(It sent you to me without wait)
Say a prayer, but let the good times roll
In case God doesn't show...
(Let the good times roll)
(Let the good times roll)


And I want these words to make things right
But it's the wrongs that make the words come to life,
"Who does he think he is?"
If that's the worst you got
Better put your fingers back to the keys


One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great;
"He tastes like you, only sweeter"!
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories;
"See, he tastes like you only sweeter"!
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh


Been looking forward to the future
But my eyesight is going bad
And this crystal ball
It's always cloudy except for
(Except for)
When you look into the past
(Look into the past)
One night stand...
(One night stand, oh)


One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great;
"He tastes like you only sweeter"!
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories;
"See, he tastes like you only sweeter"!
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh


They say
I only think in the form of crunching numbers
In hotel rooms collecting page-six lovers
Get me out of my mind
And get you out of those clothes
I'm a liner away
From getting you into the mood
Whoa


One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great;
"He tastes like you but sweeter"!
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories;
"See, he tastes like you only sweeter"!


One night and one more time (One more night, one more time)
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great;
"He tastes like you but sweeter"!
One night, yeah, and one more time (One more night, one more time)
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories; (For the memories)
"See, he tastes like you only sweeter"!

Snuggle Sunday

Today was fantastic. Me and Kinz spent the whole morning snuggling. It was so nice to be able to relax and enjoy the little moments with her especially since Danny will have her for the next two and a half days. The little things that she does like pinch my face or giggle while trying to pick my nose always remind me to celebrate the small things in life.

Have an amazing Sunday everyone.

Xoxo
Rae

The innocence of a child

As most of you now know me and Danny are separated. In the past 4 years we have shared so much of life with each othe the good and the bad. The best thing about us is kinsey. She is the light in my darkness and the reason I strive to be better each and everyday. With everything going on she has been stronger than I could've ever hoped for. When I think about everything she could be thinking or feeling it breaks my heart more than it's already breaking not having my best friend with me everyday. Nothing in life prepares you for moments like this. No one can explain to you how confusing every thought is.

Tonight she gave me the most amazing gift a child can give their parent. I was standing in the kitchen talking to my mom and started crying. Usually she giggles when people cry cause we've always made a game of it. This time she knew it was different. She looked at me with concern in her eyes and reached up to me so I leaned down and she simply gave me a hug. I can't put into words how that small hug made me feel. It was like a huge weight lifted off my chest. I could hear the thought in her head through that hug. "Mommy it's gonna be ok."

And she's right it will be ok. Right now everything feels broken but I know it will be ok. Knowing that keeps me going, keeps me from breaking down. How is it that children know so much and understand so much and with more trust than we adults could ever hope for. It's that innocence I miss. Before the world made everything so messy.

Ok that's it for now my brain is too full to put anything into understandable sentences. I will post again soon..

Xoxo
Rae

things no one likes to talk about...

Why is it that when it comes to emotional and mental issues no one can talk about it. Is it so bizzare or so scary that people cant handle it or is it the fact that the majority of us have some sort of depression or anxiety and we dont like facing our own faults.

A month ago I chose to get help for my severe anxiety and depression. I have been putting it off for the past 4 years because I was ashamed of my problem. So for all that time I learned how to ignore the constant body aches, the lack of motivation to even get out of bed each day, and the constant memory loss because I couldnt escape the fog I was in. In the past month I have had more clarity and more motivation than I can ever remember having. Looking back now I wish I hadnt been so terrified of what people would think or how they would treat me, because frankly it doesnt matter what anyone else says or does. For the first time in a long time I feel like I'm apart of society. I can focus more, laugh more, and truly embrace and remember each precious moment with my baby.

The downside to all of this is having to relive all of my painful past and confront it and deal with it in order to truly get past it. Without going into detail, let me tell you, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Living every bad choice, everything someone said about me or to me that affected me, every horrible moment. But I know that I will get through it. I know that I will make it out as a better person and as a better mother.

I encourage anyone with any type of depression to stop hiding from your feelings, because you cant. They longer you ignore them the stronger it grows.

xoxo
rae

If life were easy

Then who would truly enjoy it?

If you take the time to really think about it life is about the mistakes we make and the lessons we learn from it. Growing into adulthood and becoming the person you will be for the rest of your life is the greatest task and the most rewarding we will ever take on. Marriage, children, and even some cases divorce are all things that come along with all of our journey's. Some of these are surprises and some are planned but regardless of how we come into them or out of them we are forever changed. Once upon a time I told my mom, "life isn't fair", to which she replied " no it's not". Life was never meant to be fair or easy. For most of us it's an everyday struggle to make it to the ultimate "someday". Someday I'll be rich, someday I'll be happy, someday I'll have it all figured out. "Someday" will never arrive. Instead of wishing and waiting for the unattainable someday we have to embrace where we are and where we have been. All those little bumps in the road, all those things that forever changed us, all those things that made is question our reason for being are all relevant and worthy of thanks, because without those things we would be stagnant. I don't want to have a complacent life. Instead I dream of a life with more speed bumps hurdling me straight into my future. A future filled with surprises and the many wonderful, and not so wonderful things I will have the pleasure to experience. As a young woman at the very start of my life I am choosing to brace every possibility and challenge I will need to face. Coming to terms with it is not easy, for the most part it's terrifying, but I know that in the end it will all be worth every tear, every laugh, every success and every failure.

I challenge you, whoever may read this to take a good hard look at the things you've been through and the things you are currently facing and instead of questioning and wishing choose to embrace every moment.

Xoxo
Rae