just another statistic

i never imagined i would be just another statistic. another teen smoker. another young mother. another divorcee. another alcoholic. another girl with a disorder. another victim of depression.

life has been absolute insanity the past month and a half. i feel like ive grown up more in those few weeks than i have in my whole life. i have my moments of strength and then i have my moments of weakness. i always thought that crying was being weak. but the other day i said to my mom to help her out with what she was dealing with, "crying isnt weakness, its strength in surrendering control knowing that you cant change someone else." sometimes crying is the strongest thing we can do. with all of the things we try to control on a day to day basis we lose sight of the fact that we arent truly in control. we can decide to go one way or the other but both outcomes are unknown. we have no idea what the next day or years will bring. all we can do is make a choice and surrender to where it will take us. for me surrender and patience are not my strengths. i am always rushing into the next stage of life before the bad feelings or the disappointment can catch up with me. i try to control everything around me. i control what i eat i control what i drink i control how much i smoke. but honestly... those things control me.. i feel powerless to them. its like a nervous tick i cant control which makes me try to control it more. all of this sounds so insane writing it out and looking at it but its true. in my relationship with danny i tried to control the outcome of being ineviably hurt. so i hurt him. did he hurt me? yes. more than i can describe. but i hurt him just as bad. and its my fault because i tried to force it into the direction i thought it would end in. did i see it at the time? no if i did im mentally effed up and a really mean person. but im not a mean person. im human. im flawed. im a statistic. everyone is just another statistic. we all have those things that get drawn into a little group. thats what we do to each other all the time anyway. we judge and put people into a little box of what we think of them. we call them names behind their back. and we do it without always knowing thats what we're doing.

i keep thinking.. what do i do now? i havent been single for 4 years. and dating was a hell of a lot different then.. in high school its like "oh you're cute lets date". and especially since im a mom its way diffent than anything my peers are getting into. why i keep thinking of the "someone" i want to be with doesnt make any sense to me at all. i know i dont want a relationship right now. i know that i want to put all my time and energy into work and into kinsey. but im still human and even though i dont act like one all the time im still a girl.. i dont wanna be alone. i want to have someone there that knows me in every possible way. for example there is this guy that i have known for a very long time. i was drawn to him when i met him because of his i dgaf personality. i saw him as this guy i would give anything to date. and back in the day i gave him more than enough of me. and because i was young i got hurt. i got hurt bad, and it wasnt his fault. he made it clear what was going on but being 18 you think you can change anyone's mind. well i saw him last week, and damn he looked good. and he still has that attitude that attracted me to him. and we had fun catching up and talking and being young. about half way through the evening i realized that i will never be the girl he dates. and thats ok. i put myself out there like one of the guys and thats what i am. thats cool.. i love being one of the guys. but i think a part of me will always be a little bummed when he's with someone else. gah being a girl is annoying. and then there is one of my old best friends who i met with and had coffee with the other night. it was amazing how it felt like there had been no time seperating us. it just clicked. and again he was someone i drooled over back in the day but i was always his friend. and he was my best friend. i am so thankful to have him back in my life i cant even put it into words. he is one of the most amazing guys i have ever known. just thinking about him makes me smile. he's just that kind of guy.

now why the hell im rambling about these guys has made no sense up until this point but here's the deal. i have always made the first move. with the first guy i talked about i said everything he wanted to hear back in the day and i made it happen. with the second guy i was very open about how i felt about him. and yesterday it hit me. i have never let anything happen without me taking the lead in a relationship. why? idk cause im retarded? no cause i like being in charge.. i really need to work on that. so my goal is to just be me and let a guy make the first move. this is gonna kill me i can tell already. fudge.

ok so yeah this has been another random rambling by me.. your awesome if you actually read all of my non-sense lol

xoxo
rae